This whole blogthing started when a friend recently suggested I sign up to RSVP and I just thought why should I adopt this US style of male/female interaction (aka ‘dating’) just so I can be in the game? It is WRONG.com and I had a little think about the men/fem situation and what's its becoming. Men my age want 25 year olds and women my age just want babies (to be known hence forth affectionately as womb hounds). The WH's don’t want 40 plus divorcees with kids (that is the age bracket that is interested in us supposedly) for breeding but hey give me a 40 year old divorcee for chrissakes, this womb is for decoration (and monthly shedding) only. I will definitely consider template family thank you, the hard work is done. No wrestling with nappy genies for me.
So to me.... I would describe myself as Germaine Greer wrapped in Dawn French’s skin with the social adeptness of Dorothy Parker sprinked with some Mae West bawdiness (and on a bad day – a black gay nerd in a woman’s body). There are plenty of gratuitious self relating words I could solicit but I had to put some celebrity spin on it to attract your attention. N’cest pas? This whole celeb thing is out of control. The fact that someone shits, cries and bleeds but happens to be on the box makes them some kind of social pariah and doyenne of fashion-lifestyle-child rearing we should aspire to, is ridiculous. If I really was religious I’d be on my knees praying like a mother fucker.
Still I digress, the point of this really is that in societies’ eyes, I’m single and ‘fat’ and therefore not as deserving of life’s rewards. ERghhhhhhhh (word for the buzzer)… the only problem with that statement is actually I LIKE MYSELF… That may seem arrogant to you but I’m in league with Isaac Asimov (a personal hero) who once said (when accused of arrogance and so forth) ‘I cultivate a healthy appreciation for myself’. He wasn’t just a genius he was fucking emotionally intelligent and that shit gets you jobs these days.
Recently I spent a Friday evening at home (not out of sadness, I had offers, but was keeping myself nice for impending par-tays) and being glued to late night cable TV as is my routine. First, I took in Dr 90210 the PERFECT opportunity to consider wanting to beat up my flesh and make it palatable to potential boyfriends/husbands/peers. Where the fuck did this bullshit in our world begin? First up in the program, a ‘small’ girl (fried egg status truly) wanted some bigger breasts. Fair enough, that I can understand (I was blessed and took the whole family deposit – I am a D cup, my mom and sister, A’s) but still the doctor gave her C’s! I got over that coz she was happy until the next vignette included boyfriend, Chuck (a name only a mother could love) whose every second sentiment was about “so and so’s boobs”. No readers, not breasts he said BOOBS. Does the girl have a mother??? Anyway, at least I know that whenever she piles off her surfboard she will f*cking float.
So yeah, then second show up How To Look Good Naked. Cor blimey, if the complexes were not fully developed and shoved to the back of one’s sub-conscious then this show dragged them out of your cortex screaming. Seriously the answer to that, How to Look Good Naked, is really just don’t look in the mirror unless you are Giselle or one of her antelope runway sisters. I think that show would work better for men as its only guys I know that want to parade and/or run around naked. Why is that? Is there some primeval man gene that allows men to feel good about showering together and running naked in packs (they do it in Kokuseki, Japan annually you know)?
Well I can shut up for now, gotta watch Buffy. At least Joss Whedon knows about modern womanhood… butt kicking blondes and lesbian witches who prove you can cultivate healthy friendships with straight guys just stay away from vampires and werewolves. Metaphors aside Joss, if you wrote a book about teen sex you’d be the Shere Hite of our generation…
Anyway thank you for your eye time and please stay tuned for my next instalment entitled “Surely Your Pram Mows Lawns Because Its Bigger Than A Friggin Tractor”
